Friday, November 04, 2005

it's the little things that do you in, really.

When you stop & take a good look at your life, that is.

I mean, you start to think about who you are, and what you're doing, and why you do it, and how much of it is because of where you come from.

I always end up angry. I'm either angry, or driven, or slightly manic about something. I can't seem to ....settle down. ever. I feel guilty when I get a full eight hours' sleep because I should have gotten something done in that time. everything I do seems to involve...force of some kind. and it's wrong. there is a definitive lack of zen in my life, or even a lack of reach for zen.

about seven years ago, I took a short introduction to irish Gaelic class...and ever since then, I tend to use Gaelic words for my passwords for...all the things you need passwords for.

But the one that I use the most?

dioltas

What does that mean? It means revenge. For some reason, out of all the words in the world that I could have used, that is the one that stuck in my psyche. And I can't help but wonder why that is. What is wrong with me that I'm so prone to being angry? why is it, that after a lifetime of avoiding organized sports, the one that I latch on to and find a talent for first time out is the one that involves physical combat? Why am I, in essence, just really good at that? I remember watching the movie Michael Collins, & in it Liam Neeson utters the line, "It's not the violence that scares me, it's that I'm good at it." and why is that? Why is my normal reaction some form of combat?

Because in the end, what good does being angry do? Not much. And you would think as the daughter of what would probably be called a functional alcoholic with an undiagnosed strain of manic depression, I'd know that. Intellectually, I do know that. And yet, every so often, still...I forget that, and I become the person I'm most afraid of being.

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