Monday, April 17, 2006

Why I can clearly not be trusted on my own.

So on Friday night, I went shopping. Now, here's the thing - there are certain aspects of being a girl that, well, I suck at. Shopping is one of them. Why? Several reasons:
1. I have what I call "Retail Aversion" - i.e., I spent so much time working in retail & customer service that I actually have an averse reaction to large groups of people in consumeristic settings. Seriously.
2. I am aesthetically picky - I don't want fuss, muss, flounces, I don't want to have to buy a pair of shoes for each outfit. Sequins are SO OUT. No large prints. I'm issue-ridden. I admit this.
3. I can't buy crap work. In my family, the girls were taught to sew our own clothes by the age of 12 (Mostly, I think, to keep us out of my mom's way) Because of this, I have been known to go shopping & make such comments as, "$120! Bullshit, they didn't even turn the seams under."

Anyway, so Friday, I attempt to go shopping. And really, I was off to a good start - I got two bras, a short suede-ey leather bolero style jacket, and new running shoes (squee!) - so I figure, Okay, let's wrap it up at Tar-jay. Good times. I need some shorts/stuff to just run around in this summer, and they're about right for that.

So I trundle into That From Whence Most of my Household Which I Didn't Make By Hand* was Decorated. Now, back to the part where I really don't shop for clothes that much. I see these shorts/capri...thingys and think, "ooh, I'd wear that." I mean, I thought it was weird that the sizes were odd-numbered, because isn't that shit normally even-numbered? But okay, sure. I grab my size, (or the closest odd number next to it) head for the dressing rooms.

They're too small. What? okay, maybe it just runs small. I go out, take a couple larger sizes, go back.

And according to Target, I'm a size 17.

WHAT? A size 17? Dude, I haven't been a size 17 since four years, 40 lbs, & a crew team ago. What the mother-effin' eff? I mean, I bought the pants, because they fit, but still - I. Was. In.Dig.Nant. Who the hell are they using for fit models that I'm a 17? I mean, I've heard of vanity sizing - what the hell is this? Shame sizing?

So now I'm home, and I'm all disgruntled. Because I'm huge. I'm huge, I'm fat, I'm ugly, and resisting the urge to go run a marathon and take ten laxatives, because this is LA & I know I'll get away with that since the girl next to me on the track will have taken 20 laxatives since she had the lining of her stomach removed in order to get rid of the extra couple of ounces.

I mean, this makes no sense. I have been doing cardio up the yang the last few weeks - I row four or five mornings a week, I'm at the gym for cardio at least two nights a week, and honestly, some nights lately I've been at Long Beach rowing for the second time that day. How in the hell could I have jumped five sizes?

It's possible that I expressed a sentiment of this nature to R.S. Monkey at The Bagel Shop O' Crack after practice the next morning, and she looked at me, did the Dubious Eyebrow Raise, and asked, "Are you sure you were in the right section?"
Claris: No, I was totally in the right section - women's clothing. It's all one thing! Right next to each...oh.

That's right, I am such an ignoramus that I shopped in the Juniors section & didn't even know it. Which, as OzLady pointed out when I spoke to her on the phone:
a) is a disappointment to her after her years of trying to educate me about the joys of consumerism**
b) means I suck because I still fit in the Juniors' section.

But yeah. There's yet another perfectly good moment of righteous indignation against the media on behalf of my gender wasted, all because I'm an idiot. ooops.

*Yes, I made my curtains & possibly a duvet cover (and have the material for a second) I told you - eye=picky bitch.

**"I want you to picture this. I am sitting at my kitchen table, with my head in my hand, shaking my head back & forth & wondering how I went so wrong with you." ~ OzLady


At 4:48 PM, Blogger Brian D. said...

I don't know whether to laugh because that was funny or laugh because your brain wasn't working for at least 20 minutes easily.

This is why men use inches. I'm just saying.

At 7:51 AM, Blogger R.S. Monkey said...

On a lighter note - the shorts she did get were cute....juniors size....but cute nonetheless. And in LA - that's really all that matters :-)

At 1:18 PM, Blogger claris said...

This is why men use inches. I'm just saying.
On a fun note, I look at that comment, and all of the retorts I have to that would be banned by my work server (btw, I need to e-mail NDC - his site? TOTALLY banned by our webnanny. I took a screen shot for him.)

On a non-innuendo note, I have long maintained that I would be very happy if jeans & pants for women came in legnths - I'm 5'9", and if it's less than a 33" inseam, I just shouldn't bother trying it on...

Oh, and incidentally - my brain has been known to stop working for WAY longer than 20 minutes. This is actually a rather minor incident in my history, I'm sad to say...

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Megdalen said...

That is HILARIOUS!!!


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